Wisecracks

Martial assorted epigrams a Philo swears that he has never dined at home, and this is so; whenever no one has invited him, he does not dine (i.e., he goes without dinner).

b A cunning innkeeper recently tricked me at Ravenna; when I asked for mixed [wine], he gave (lit., sold) me neat (i.e., straight).

c Papylus, you always serve Serine or Massic wine, but gossip forbids [us] such good wines. You are said to have been made a bachelor four times with this wine bottle [of yours]. I don't think [this] nor do I believe [this], Papylus, but I'm not thirsty.

d When a crowd in togas shouts a loud bravo! for you, Pomponius, your dinner is eloquent, not you.

e Do you ask, Linus, what my farm (lit., field) at Nomentum returns me [in rent] ? It returns me this: I don't see you, Linus.

f I don't know, Faustus, what you write to so many girls, [but] I know this, that no girl writes to you.

g When [you are] about to recite, why do you put wool around your neck? That is more suited to our ears.

h You recite nothing and [yet] wish to appear a poet, Mamercus. Be whatever you like, provided that you don't recite anything.

i Phileros, you are now burying your seventh wife in your field. No one gets a better return from a field than you. (lit., your seventh wife is now being buried by you in [your] field. A field returns more to no one than to you.)

j Although you don't publish your [poems], you criticize my poems, Laelius. Either don't criticize mine or publish yours.

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